Hmm hmm, Diddley-do

Hmm.. havent written anything in a long time. Actually the first post wasnt a post at all!

Facebook is lame, they dont seem to have a journaling section like this. Anyways. So I've been at Sheridan since the 2nd week of September. Things have been...strange. I couldnt say if its mostly positive or negative, I have lots of mixed feelings and my depressive brain tries to take over and feel sorry for itself, so maybe what I perceive as bad experiences are in fact not.

Every class where I get those harsh feelings towards myself I keep trying to repeat Jessie's mantra (well i decided to call it that): "You're just learning. Its ok. Just do your best". And it generally sorta works, although sometimes my mind goes NO FUCK THIS IM GONNA GO EAT SOME HARVEYS AND WALLOW IN SELFHATRED/PITY. Lawl. Last semester I could feel my attentiveness and perserverence really take a nosedive, and its just been a struggle ever since. I have to try extra hard to be homework-productive so I can do my own art/relaxing, but I feel like my messy room/house (as it were, since i keep EVERYTHING in here) is only adding to the lagggggineeesss..... i feel like my brain has turned to putty and i am just stretching it thinner and thinner. Its funny. I really do want to work at bettering myself and take my teachers words and put them to use but I feel like Im fighting with an invisible tarp wrapped around my body and spiderwebs over my eyes. I have the desire to find a better way to visually express what im about (and everyday i ask myself, what is that nicole? to a resounding white silence.) which im still trying to figure out. I just love so many different styles it makes it nearly impossible to branch off myself.. but I digress. Man, talking about this stuff is hard. i feel like I have the vocabulary of a retarded 5 yr old when it comes to discussing these things.

Joes class in particular makes me want to chew on bricks. I think I have a love/hate relationship towards him as a teacher. I love what he is trying to show me yet at the same time I hate what it is doing to my feelings (i had just started feeling better about my "work"). Like I understand but i dont understand. I love his intent and passion but I find myself doubting every single thing I do until I hate every scrap of paper i produce. Too much pressure. Not enough good karma. I look around at my class and I feel like I am the only one who is worrying as much as I am, even though it might not be true.

On the plus side Ive been exercising in one way or another nearly everyday, either biking up and down the hills out of either necessity or whim, going to the Gym once a week with Chantal and Jessie, or jogging (heh well once). Its really good. Im also tyring to stay away from my binging-ness and eating more wholesome things, less gluten less meat etc etc...
Speaking of which its starting to get dark and i had planned on biking to walmart to return my damn hotplate (FUCKING HOUSE RULES I SWEAR) so I will cut this blog short for now.

I <3 PW!!!!

*hyperventilates* I HAS A ZBLOGGGZZ

Wow....

I NOW HAVE A BLOG
=
Ive reached the 21st century!

*puts on space helmet*